23: Tea and NyQuil

I turned 23 yesterday, and that was my greeting to start my 24th year: tea and NyQuil.

I had just finished watching some Grey's Anatomy and was heading to bed and everything was, well, normal. I was alone, turned off the light, and crawled towards my pillow in darkness. Since there's no real reason to get out of bed in the mornings, I've gotten a lot of sleep lately, which, unfortunately makes going to sleep much more difficult. Those of you who know me well will know that I can fall asleep anytime and anywhere in just about five minutes. Not recently, which is a new phenomenon for me and rather frustrating, because it leaves me alone with my mind.

So the night of the 25th, what was there to think about? Oh, the usual, that my husband was at war in Iraq and that the other side of the bed was and would be cold for the next couple of months, and that there was nobody else in the house. That I have no job and am continuing to get bored with the little projects I've made for myself. But then there was the fact that the next day was my birthday. I didn't want it to be my birthday, because the person I wanted to celebrate it with wouldn't be there. No matter how badly I wanted him there, he wouldn't be there. And people would be calling me, wishing me happy birthday, and I wouldn't have the heart to tell them that it wasn't a happy birthday, and that I wish I had just slept through the whole day because there was nothing I wanted to celebrate.

Somewhere along the line, these thoughts got to me and I started crying. I'm not a big crier, but when I do cry, it's usually just a few tears and then the moment is gone. Not tonight. Tonight the pain just grew and grew, as did my tears. My nose got clogged, my throat was sore from trying to extricate my pain by using my vocal chords, and from the heavy breathing. I kept on turning in bed waiting to go to sleep, but my system had just had too much.

After about half an hour of this, my heart just couldn't take it anymore; it couldn't be alone. I got out of bed and went to the computer to try to Skype my mom. Well, that failed, but she heard enough to be able to call my cell phone. I don't think she could understand me for the first five minutes or so, but over the next half hour she was able to calm me down. She was sitting in the Admiral's Club in Dallas with my grandma on her way to Guatemala. Thank goodness she wasn't on the plane or already there, because that would have just hurt too much to finally reach out to someone and have them not be there.

At the end of our...conversation, she told me to go have some tea, and that it would be okay to take something that would help me sleep. I laughed at that, and the clock struck midnight as I started to heat the water for my tea and grab the NyQuil from the medicine cabinet. What a great way to start my birthday.

Mom had to catch her plane, so I asked her to call Sarah (my aunt) and ask if she could give me a call. Sarah called and we were able to chat for a little; my darling little cousin piped into the phone that he loved me and that made me smile. I was able to talk to my uncle for a bit too, which I haven't done in a while, and it was just good to hear from a whole family who loved me.

So, I finished my tea, took my NyQuil, and went to bed.

The next morning was fine. Not good, but fine. I got up late, did some yoga, ran for a mile (still experimenting with running since I'm unsure about my achilles), and had two very short phone calls with Matt that got cut off shortly after the hello. I also met my new neighbor. The couple that lives downstairs hadn't been there since we had been here because he is in Iraq and she was state-side. She got back on my birthday, and, because she didn't have a car, I took her with me to the Commissary so she could get some food and cleaning supplies to put her house back together.

For dinner, Krista came over and we made filet mignon wrapped in bacon (Veronica would have been there too but she was traveling with her sister). You can see a picture of it below, topped with a yummy butter concoction, served with a basil parmesan rice and a dry red wine. Very nice! She also showered me with many lovely gifts, my favorites of which are the first season of Friends (never seen it before!) and an orchid! It'll be my first plant. I'm excited to see if I can actually keep it alive and get it to re-bloom. Such a beautiful flower.



We ended the evening by making some brownies from my grandma's recipe and watching The Count of Monte Cristo.

So, how was my birthday? It was okay. But this year, I shouldn't think of my birthday as just one day, simply because I got to experience bits of it on other days as well. When Jonathan visited me he brought me a little something from my parents. Just last week I got a package in the mail from the Melone family containing lovely letters from them all, making me feel so special that my new family cares for me and remembers my birthday. Esther made a beautiful watercolor of our wedding and sent that to me a few days ago, and so many people emailed, sent cards/letters, and sent messages on facebook. Krista did a wonderful job of making me feel special.

Though my birthday may have started out rather...terrible, I have no doubt that I am loved. I know that I feel pain because I love and am loved in return, and that is wonderful. I also know that the pain isn't going to go away, and I will hurt again. And it's okay to hurt, and it's okay that knowing that doesn't make it hurt less. But the important thing is that I am loved. Thanks for keeping track of me during this journey and keeping us in your prayers. They are indeed appreciated.